Get yourself a Harold.

Danny Fucking Dyer is my hero. A legend amongst men. And yesterday, during Channel 4’s Alternative Christmas Speech, he gave me all of the feels. Danny mate, that was not what I was expecting.

If you haven’t seen it, watch it here now: https://bit.ly/2AfjsBM

I’ll be honest, I had to wipe away a little tear (or ten) as he talked about an influential man in his life and the need, in 2019, for heroes and role models. “If we need anything for 2019 it’s for each of us to find who we look up to.”

Danny goes on to talk about his Dad not being around when he was a kid. About how angry young Danny was and how nobody knew how to help him. That’s where the tears came for me, a story I recognise all too much. I’ve read it before, over and over again, until I could recite the book by heart.

Danny was one of the lucky ones, he found a father figure that he didn’t know he needed. Harold Pinter went on to become the most influential man in Danny’s life. Yep. That Harold Pinter.

My head of Sixth Form was one of those men. He taught me that “where I came from didn’t dictate where I went to”, just like Harold did with Danny. I still carry with me something he said to me after a particularly vicious verbal incident with other students. "You especially, can achieve anything you want. Look at what you have already achieved at sixteen."

And as Danny said so eloquently yesterday, “I ain’t no saint. I can do better. I think we can all do better. And as Dad’s we can’t stop trying to do better until there’s no such need for hashtags to remind us that no means no.” I’m not a saint. I’ve made mistakes too. Mistakes that I can’t blame on my past, mistakes that were my actions to take accountability for.

I have mishandled situations in such a way that relationships have become unsalvageable. I am still doing that now. Not replying to messages because I don’t know what to say and little things can continue to hurt me so fucking much. Tiny, inconsequential things that can pierce my heart to its very fucking core. Trust me, I’m still thinking about that stupid thing I said in January 2013. And I cried myself to sleep on Christmas Eve because I can see relationships moving away from me and it triggers emotions that come from a past where the people who were supposed to love you left.

Everybody leaves. That’s what happens to me. And when I asked Hubs on Christmas Eve whether he would stop needing me and leave me, he said this: “I don’t need you, I love you.” 

That is a role model right there. Just like Harold told Danny, Hubs told me that where I come from doesn’t dictate where I go. With those seven words, he changed the dialogue in my head, helping me to see things from a different perspective and challenge my negative self talk.

Because not everybody leaves. That doesn’t have to be what happens to me. I am not responsible for them leaving. Their actions led to them leaving. That is not on me. If people need to start moving away from me, there is nothing I can do about that. I can not control other people or situations, I can only control myself. Another thing to start working more on in the New Year. 

I am surrounded more and more by strong men and women who inspire me every day to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. That is what I want more of in 2019. Role models to look up to, be inspired by, grow with. People who want to be in my life as much as I want to be in theirs.

And in the words of the legend that is Danny Fucking Dyer, “life can get a little stressful. We might get on each others nerves a bit. But remember how much there is to be proud of, to be grateful of. And get yourself a Harold, you know, if you can.”