Obesity, Running and Kombucha.

Pillsbury Doughgirl/Stay Puft Marshmallow Lady/Michelin Woman

**Read in Geordie voice-over stylee**

It’s Day 67 in the Big Sobriety House and Kia is refusing to get on the scales.

Over the past few weeks, a lot of people have asked me if I have lost weight. For some unknown reason, I keep saying no, probably because I haven’t lost a stone every other day…

But I have lost weight. I’ve lost almost a stone since the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man/Michelin Man/Pillsbury Doughboy picture taken in Berlin in April. In April, my weight gain was out of control and I weighed in at the heaviest weight I have ever been at. Over sixteen stone for those of you saying, “you looked great” or “you carry it so well”. Not a healthy weight for a 5’ 9” 33 year old woman to weigh.

According to the NHS, a woman my age and height should weigh between 9 (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, I haven’t weighed that much since I was 11!) and 12 stone, putting me at 4 stone overweight from the top bracket. My weight at 21 was 10.5 stone. That puts me at almost six stone overweight. 16 stone puts me in the obese category on the same NHS website. The NHS has told me I am obese.

Only, I’m not 16 stone now. I’m 15 stone. Still obese (thanks NHS) but only 3 stone overweight from that healthy weight bracket and not 4 stone.

But in my head, I’m still 16 stone. The stone I have lost hasn’t registered with me and I’m not even doing the weird gloaty thing we do when somebody asks us if we have lost weight and we know that we have but rather than saying so, we smile coyly and turn our head to our shoulder. Why? After racking my brains to answer that question, I still can’t.

Maybe it’s the years of endless diet cycles which have all inevitably failed because either they are too rigid or I try to do too much too fast and fail faster than a Lads Mag in 2018.

Back in my drinking days, I would starve myself to ensure I had enough calories for booze. Living on lettuce and cucumber to make sure I could still drink every day. Who the fuck does that?! Apparently, we all do to some extent.

I have never had a big sweet tooth and would much rather binge on bread and crisps. When I stopped drinking, repeating that I did not have a sweet tooth, I suddenly HAD to have sugar all of the time. ALL. OF. THE. TIME. I can’t stress enough to you how much sugar I needed. ALL OF IT.

So in addition to my many and varied addictions, I can now add sugar. Because I replaced booze (and the sugar in it) with chocolate. And cake. And biscuits. Marshmallows. Scones. Jam. Cream. Ice-cream. Lollies. Rocky Road. Brownies. Everything. I type this as I eat three chocolate digestives which were left in the car and melted together. I ate a three stack in one. It’s 9am. I’ve literally just had breakfast.

On The Alcohol Experiment (with Annie Grace, where you are supported via e-mail and video through 30 days alcohol free; you can sign up here https://www.alcoholexperiment.com/), sugar cravings are covered on Day 9. I’m now on Day 67 and I still haven’t got a handle on this.

So I’m going back to the beginning.

I’ve re-read the Day 9 article and re-watched the videos. It’s a pretty simple process.

1. Exercise.

2. Eat fruit when you feel the need for sugar.

3. Drink lots of water.

4. Eat regular, small meals of protein and fat.

5. Consume naturally fermented food and drink.

I’ve added a sixth:

6. Lock the treat cupboard and make sure Hubs takes the keys to work. (Actual true story.)

All of these steps will help to control the sugar cravings and will also support losing weight. So this is what I’m going to attempt (for the 89,546th time) to do.

During a brilliantly drunken moment in January, I signed up to a half marathon with a couple of (also pissed) friends. I’ve always wanted to get into running and become addicted to something healthy, however I always end up pushing myself too far and either injuring myself or not being able to complete the absurd challenges I set for myself. Sounds very similar to my drinking actually…

This time around, I’m trying to do it in a healthy way and not the usual Kia All Or Nothing way where I expect to run 26 miles in a week.

I’ve been trying to get myself out for a run for months now and for some reason, the fear of going outside running has stopped me every time. Last week, I put my running gear on and finally forced myself out of the door. With a new app. Yes, a running game. If anything can make me leave the house, it’s technology on my phone. I fucking love it.

Run An Empire enables you to race against others to control territories in your locality. You earn coins which can upgrade your hexes and it has enabled me to plan more engaging runs as I am actively looking for new routes to gain more hexes! It’s wicked. Give it a shot http://www.runanempire.com/. (This is not a sponsored post, I’m not that big yet.)

I did my first 1.93 mile run on Wednesday last week. It wasn’t a run. It was a significant amount of walking and wondering why I was doing this to myself. Towards the end, my knee had decided that I was the fucking devil and the only way to get me to stop was to stop bending. It worked. I hobbled home.

I was hoping to run a couple more times last week only my legs did not work on Thursday or Friday. I was supposed to be doing a 5K Parkrun on Saturday morning, but it quickly became apparent that 5k is currently out of my league. And then I ate too much at dinner on Sunday evening to have a run. Plus I went to bed at 8pm and slept solidly for around 9 hours. Beach day + early start + horrific sunburn (cheers Nivea, you “new formula” wanker) = no running.

I did my second run yesterday morning. I planned a slightly different route for two reasons.

1) Gain an additional hex on Run An Empire.

2) Skip the hill at the bottom of Roman Bank because fuck my fucking life. Just no.

I got to 2 miles today, that’s a sixth of the way to a half marathon... And most of my run sections were significantly longer than they were last week. Did I enjoy it? No, not really. Did I do it anyway? Yes, I did. Did I try to push myself a little harder than last week? Yes, I even played tag with lamp posts. Did my knees refuse to bend by the time I got on my home stretch? No. No they did not.

Thanks knees. You’re the best.

What’s the point of all of this rambling?

Quite frankly, I have no fucking idea now. I lost my thread about forty minutes ago and am just yabbering. Wait, I think I may have found it…

I’m running, yey! The description of running does seem like an over-exaggeration. I am jogging beyond slowly and walking a lot. And by beyond slowly, we’re talking about a 13.47 min pace per mile. But that’s fine. I need to get back into this without injuring myself or hating every moment of it. Hopefully, I can get out for a couple more runs this week and increase my distance whilst gradually dropping my pace. Because I was at 13.47 today which was better than 13.54 on Wednesday, with more mileage involved.

There’s also a part of me that convinces myself I will be a better and faster runner if I am lighter. Now, I doubt that to be true, but it can’t hurt can it? I’m sure my knees would relish the opportunity to support 14 stone around my route instead of 15 stone. Who knows, they might really like 13 stone too.

So I’m killing multiple birds (sorry birdies) with one stone. I’m training for a half marathon (hahahahahaha, this still makes me laugh so much!) so I need to fuel my body for my runs and start eating healthy, in turn battling the sugar addiction I’m currently embroiled in with a combination of diet, exercise and Kombucha. And for all of you Kombucha addicts out there, Holland and Barret currently has Captain Kombucha on sale… Quick: https://bit.ly/2myRLga

Again, not sponsored although if you’re reading this Captain Kombucha/Holland and Barrett/Run an Empire/Annie Grace… I’m open to new relationships, just don’t tell Hubs. (And if you do, he prefers to be told by anonymous text.)

It’s healthy time and there’s no time like the present. Especially when the present is rapidly leading to an October half marathon that must be run. And for all of you runners out there, any tips would be greatly appreciated!

Day 67: No make-up, post workout hair, holiday tan. Yes Queen.