How Jeremy Kyle made me realise I'm an addict.

Here’s the biggest confession I will ever make in my life. Bigger even than the one where I admitted I am an alcoholic.

I am addicted to Jeremy Kyle.

I am more ashamed of this than I am of anything else. I love it and hate it in equal measure. It is the TV version of alcohol to me. I know I have to stop but I can’t.

We bought our house in November 2017 and, up until last week, we didn’t have a TV aerial as we have never really watched TV (who would when you have Netflix and Amazon Prime at your fingertips) and £80 - £100 to have one fitted seemed like an unnecessary expense for something that we didn’t actually need.

A couple of weeks ago, Hubs fitted an aerial himself (while I was at work) to much exclaiming of “Guess how much it cost! Go on, guess!” to anybody who was close by to our house at the time. In case you were wondering, it cost £20.

(Plus £50 for the retractable loft ladder, £200 to board out the roof space, £80 to board and re-plaster the bathroom ceiling after he put his fucking foot through it and it comes complete with an eight month lead time.)

What an absolute fucking bargain.

He was so proud of his exceptional handiwork, that he decided he should make some cards up to post through doors on our new build estate, undercutting actual professionals to make some money on the side. I suggested that people were unlikely to pay half price for a TV aerial fitting for it to take six to eight months to fit and then have to watch him climb in and out of the roof 86 times to readjust it. In his pants because, and I quote, it was hot as balls. He disagreed.

Whilst all of the above is true (and hilarious), fair play to him for being able to do it because I would happily have lived here for the next ten years without: a) ever even attempting it and b) ever calling anybody to fit one as strangers, especially strange men (Hubs and Foxy aside), in my house is an absolute no go. I barely let family in. In fact, I don’t without any notice.

Back to Jezza. Last year, I had a year out from my chosen career field and did something completely different and part time while I focused on mending my shattered mental health after a couple of horrific years of third sector roles. This meant that for the most part, I was at home during the day and I developed a bit of an addiction to Jezza.

Any plans were made for after 10.30am and I would be sat on the sofa at 9.25am, TV remote in hand, breakfast in lap, to watch people be absolutely vile to each other. Every week day. If I couldn’t avoid making plans for that time… Yep, you guessed it, I would watch it on catch up. (*Disclaimer: this did not happen that often, here lieth my shame.)

When we moved into our beautiful home 8 months ago, I went cold turkey and entered an unintentional Jeremy Kyle rehab facility. Unintentional because I didn’t know that I was addicted or that I was in rehab. Until this week.

This week, on Monday, the first day of my school summer holidays, I found myself on the sofa with a smoothie in hand, turning the TV on at 9.25am. I couldn’t stop myself. I had to watch it.

AND IT’S SO AWFUL!

I find it hard to understand how people can speak to the ones they love in such a vile and derogatory manner. Maybe it is just the kind of shit, trash TV that enables you to disengage your brain and zone out. An odd and potentially damaging form of self care. The kind that makes you feel evvvver so slightly better about your life…

Either way, Jezza made me realise just how much of an addictive personality I have. I had reached almost eight months Jeremy Kyle free and as soon as it was accessible to me again, I immediately went back to his disturbingly open arms. Is this what will happen with alcohol? Will I always be on the edge of running back to it?

It has made me realise how vigilant I must be to ensure my sobriety continues. And how quickly I need to end this Jeremy Kyle habit.

Last week saw me attending my first therapy session in two years. Over the next few months, I’ll be focusing on an incident that happened last year (and was delightful dragged into this one) to resolve any issues surrounding that and then anything else which comes up which may impact my sobriety. I may even have to have a word about my Jeremy Kyle addiction.

If staying sober means letting the past go, then that has to be my main priority for the coming months. While we jollied around on delightful beaches last week, I said goodbye to my past and all of the things that have so far led me on my journey to the point where I am now. Our future is so full of love, hopes, dreams and we know we can achieve anything together. Instead of looking back (or too far forward), now is the time to be fully present in our lives. And not watching Jeremy Kyle. Sorry Jezza.