Career? I'd prefer a beer.

I am writing today to avoid updating my CV. I hate CVs. I love other people’s CVs, of which I also have a stack to get through today, but I hate updating mine. I guess it comes down to being easier to sell other people than it is to sell yourself. I could really do with the ability to be objective right now!

So instead, I am procrastinating. I am procrastinating because somebody told me last week that they wished I used my education and stayed in a career. Direct quote. It became apparent that people have no concept of how the tertiary sector works these days and the fact that I have survived on fixed term one year contracts for the last ten years is ignored. It is practically impossible to get a mortgage on a fixed term contract, even when you’re earning 30k a year. It’s impossible to think about starting a family knowing that your contract will end either before you go on maternity leave or while you are on maternity leave and this is not a position that you can start a family in. It is a constant trial to plan ahead and apply for jobs every year because if contracts are renewed, it usually isn’t until the day before they end.

So yes, these are some of the reasons why I chose to walk away from my career as a Community Project Manager at the start of this year and was already making steps to leave prior to my contract ending. The other reason? That job pushed me to the brink of a breakdown and my husband and I decided together that managing with a little less money and being happy was worth more to both of us than a 30k a year job that drives you to a breakdown.

I started doing bar shifts at the pub in January 2017, working weekends whilst working full time as a project manager. The aim of this was to clear as much of my debt as possible as I could rapidly see myself reaching the point where I couldn’t go on working in that toxic environment. In six months (I started paying debt off prior to starting work at the pub), I managed to pay of 4k worth of debt and put the final 2k on a 48 month interest free balance transfer (which I am still paying off £50 per month until I get a lump sum and can start clearing that).

I was in such an emotional state in September 2016, I accessed the Employee Assistance Programme and received three free counselling sessions to be focused on the work issues I was experiencing. This turned into six when other historic issues came to light. I won’t name my therapist here, as I haven’t yet asked for her permission, and hopefully she will allow me to as she is an extraordinary therapist who enabled me to reframe A LOT in a very small amount of time and helped me to find the courage to walk away from anything that causes me continuing pain.

So by April, I had paid a significant chunk of my debt off, saved a lot of money, worked on a number of my issues, got married (YEY!) and started buying a house. I was also applying for jobs left, right and centre to move away from the field I worked in which has, for ten years, often proven to be an incredibly toxic environment to work in. When my contract ended early, I already had another Charity job lined up and was offered further opportunity at the pub getting their HR and back office up to date and working at the Brewery making (read: cleaning the Copper and cask washing) and selling amazing beer.

Within a month of working at the new Charity, I had been told by staff that it was an awful place to work and could already see myself getting back into the employment patterns that I was trying to break. So at the end of my first month, I chose not to continue with the role and felt both empowered and right to do so.  

I started working at the pub and brewery for a couple of days a week and did bar shifts at weekends. Both roles that I thoroughly enjoy. I am motivated and enthused by learning new things and this role has led to other avenues, like brewing my own beer at home (which is amazing by the way), and other situations that I would never have expected to be in. Situations where I can learn, develop, grow.

Since April, and earning half of what I did as a project manager, my husband and I have been able to get a mortgage that we are both named on. I couldn’t be named on our first application because my fixed term contract would end prior to the house sale completing. In my current role, I have been able to do that as I am in permanent employment for the first time since I graduated.

Since April, and earning half of what I did as a project manager, I have written more in six months than I have in my entire lifetime. I have sold articles, I have contributed to research work, I have started a new blog (this one!) that was supposed to be about cats and ended up being about debilitating anxiety. And some of the messages you guys have sent me about this blog… Wow. I have laughed and cried reading your words, hearing about how these issues have impacted your lives too and I feel like this is a really important space right now. I don’t have to make money from this for it to have an impact on the world.

I use my education every day. I build relationships on a daily basis, negotiate sales, communicate progress. In my writing, I go back to that 100% A Level English Language paper and find myself in my words. I utilise my psychology degree in understanding mental health issues to ensure that writing about them from a personal perspective can be supported by fact and that additional literature can be linked to for further reading, development, support. I read every day. Both fiction and research. Something I have always loved to do that, over the past few years, I wasn’t able to.

I write cover letters for articles that I send off, a few of which have been bought. It's early days and I will only continue to build on this. I write poetry for the first time since I was a teenager. I attend local poetry events and spend time with new word friends who support, encourage, laugh with (and sometimes at) me. I started writing a book. Another one. I’ve already written one. I haven’t had the courage to send either one off yet, but I will. I proof read and edit my friends CVs to support them in their journey. I snuggle Lieutenant Colonel Niggles because she is mine and she is joy.

I walk. Every day. I watch the seasons change, leaves dropping, my little Robin following me around. I kick leaves with my friend's little boy. Hell that’s I lie, I kick leaves on my own because it brings me joy. I sit in coffee shops with my notebook open, not writing, just being. I have lunch with friends who disclose their difficult times as I support them and disclose mine, a trade in pain made less painful with love, support and encouragement, ensuring we all practise self care and look after each other.

I cook home cooked meals every day for my family. I go to the gym as often as I can. Sometimes, I give myself a day off and I snuggle up with LC Niggles under a blanket on the sofa, reading a book. Sometimes, I have an afternoon nap. I try to make somebody smile every day. I do a good deed every day. I laugh, I love, I live. I hate that phrase, but I do.

I have never been happier. I earn enough to pay the bills and enjoy my life, as I have done since I left home. This is what I want my legacy to be. To be happy. To know, that everything I have done is to have a happy life. For me, for my (beyond supportive, incredibly handsome, wonderful) husband, for our future family, for Lieutenant Colonel Niggles (who is super demanding by the way), for our future dog, Albus Dumbledog or Bilbo Waggings, for more kittens. Maybe a goat. Chickens. Anyway, I digress. There is nothing in this world that motivates me more than happiness.

I am proud of my friends in high flying careers. I am proud of my friends who stay at home to care for their children. I am proud of my friends with physical or psychological illnesses that go to work when it is almost impossible to do so, or those who can not work for those reasons. I am proud of my friends who have walked away from high flying careers for the same reasons that I did; for health, for happiness, for a bigger dream. I am proud of my friends who go to work every day, even though they don’t want to, or want more, or need something else. I am proud of my friends who work to pay their bills, who work to live or who live to work. I will never judge any of them for the decisions they have made and they will never judge me. There is no shame in working or not working, for whatever reason.

The world would be a more beautiful place if everybody stopped judging situations they do not understand. If people supported others, whether they agree with them or not. If people did not put their desires on to other people. We only get one shot at this thing we call life. Make sure you live it with as much joy as possible.

On that note, I’m going for a walk. Yep, during working hours. What a rebel. I will walk to the library, via the Rec, to drop off a finished library book and pick up a new one to start after I have finished my current one. I might even pop into the fabric shop to see what fabric is available for my crazy plan to make curtains for our very exciting new home. And do you know what, I might even have a coffee on my own. Listening to a podcast. Before I come home and return to work. Because this is what life is all about. 

Follow your passion, not a paycheck.