Today is a struggling to leave the house kinda day.

She needs me to pull my shit together. 

Today is a struggling to leave the house kind of day. I don’t know why. I only know that I have been attempting to go out since around 10am and it’s just not happening. Poor Smiley is laid under the table, gazing at me beseechingly to go for walkies and all I can think is that I should have got a Chihuahua. Something smaller. A dog that doesn’t need long walks and can just be carried around. A cat. I’ll do it, I’ll go outside, because she deserves it. Because I deserve it. I just can’t do it right now.

Instead of going out with doggo to do things that I do actually need to do in town today, I have procrastinated all day. I knew it was going to be a bad day when I put the TV on at 9.30am and watched two episodes of Jeremy Kyle back to back on ITV Hub. Well, three. But one of them was an uplifting stories episode and fuck that. I put on one of the terrible people episodes instead.

So I have to go back to when my therapist taught me about figuring out how I’m feeling. This is practically impossible for me. The disconnect between my head and heart is so big, at times I can’t identify feelings at all and am lost in thoughts. Years of suppressing my emotions to avoid upsetting people, to protect myself from their physicality, has left me unable to identify what I am feeling until I’m punching a door frame and wondering what the fuck I am doing. Another story for another time.

I feel lost today. Like I’m drifting down a river after giving up fighting against the current to get back to shore. I know I can’t get back there so what’s the point? I can’t even be arsed to grab hold of anything floating past that might make my journey easier. This is less of an anxious day and more of a depressed day. I don’t know why.

The past month at work has been stressful. It’s taken me a few weeks to get into a routine and start to feel less anxious about not knowing what I am supposed to be doing. With two roles and two qualifications running concurrently, I’m putting a huge amount of pressure on myself to perform at my best when I am riddled with the knowledge that, at times, my best is not good enough. Ah come on, I’m persistently bombarded with the thought that I am not good enough full stop, never mind my best being so.

I’m still driving Hubs to work in Peterborough or St Ives 2 or 5 times a week and 5.30am starts are taking their toll. This morning, I went back to bed for three hours at 6.30am and have the battle of “you know you need this” and “but think of all the things you could have achieved by now” raging through my brain even now, six hours later. I can’t even have a lie in without my brain telling me I shouldn’t be doing it.

I haven’t seen most of my friends for weeks. Partly because I don’t have the ability to organise anything and partly because nobody else has organised anything. What started as needing a bit of time out from social activity has turned into complete isolation.

So… There’s a few things eh?!

Autumn is my favourite time of year (BECAUSE IT MEANS IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS) and I can’t leave the house without seeing beauty everywhere. In burnt umber leaves dropping from trees, a spectrum of Autumnal colours in spectacular sunsets and even the grey, depressing drizzle that seems to be hanging around today. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to go outside. Maybe I will see beauty and be happy and I just don’t want to be happy today.

I know that the end is in sight. Not in a g’bye kinda way (awks) but in a things are changing kinda way. I know that Hubs will get his driving license back soon. We might not know when, but it should be within the next 3-4 weeks. I know that one of my qualifications is almost finished; I’m awaiting marking back on my penultimate assignment and my next assignment is ready to submit as soon as I receive that. I know that my teaching class sizes have been reduced to a manageable size. I know that my teaching mentor is incredible and will be able to support me in a positive way. I know that my belief at the beginning of term that I was not capable of achieving my PGDE is ridiculous.

So, I need to pull my shit together. I need to remember that nobody else in the world is expecting from me the sheer amount of pressure and expectation that I put on myself to be the best, all of the time. I might not be doing everything perfectly, but I am doing everything well. Apart from looking after myself.

Whilst I’m getting much better at that, I still have some work to do on figuring out how I’m feeling and why I still run away from those difficult conversations with myself by, you know, enrolling for multiple qualifications at the same time or taking on a new role at the same time or yeah… You get the gist.

I might not have made all of the decisions that I have made in the last month from the most positive place. I might have been avoiding the feelings that I don’t want to know I have. So, I’ve thought about it now and need to figure out what to do next…

First things first, I need to get dressed and take my best girl out for a walk. And not just a secret country walk where I can avoid people; a walk into town to pick up things I need for dinner. I will even take a book and sit in a coffee shop for half an hour. Smiley deserves the interaction with people who fall madly in love with her at first sight, even if that means I have to speak to them. Then I will walk home and spend the rest of the afternoon in my happy kitchen place before I embark on the epic trip to St Ives to pick Hubs up tonight.

Maybe this will be my last St Ives run. Maybe tomorrow will be my last Peterborough run. Maybe that letter will drop through the door on Monday morning and one job will be taken off my remarkably broad but delicate shoulders.

Either way, I’m leaving this fucking house today because I will not be held captive by my own mind. And if I don’t, I’m scared doggo and the cats will join forces and eat me.

They're plotting.